February 16th, 2009 (07:51 pm)
current mood: uncomfortable
I dont even know where to start, ive had the best weekend ever, shared with Liam, hes great and makes me want to cuddle and kiss him continuously.
But now i just feel quite frankly utterly rubbish, my Dad is coming back from Thailand, possibly to stay, and my mum wont listen or talk to me about the situation at all, he will be staying with us here, background story on my dad, hes a drunk, i dont think i even need to write much more because whats the point?
Tried to talk to my mum about how unhappy i am having him stay in my home, my safe place, my one place that i can lay back and relax and not worry about anything, but she doesnt want to listen she would much rather talk about how this is the only option because he will have no where else to go, and if he doesnt stay here he will go to my grandad and my grandad is too old to deal with it, so he has to stay with us, i understand that, really i do, but i just wanted to talk about how i felt, how unhappy i was about the situation but apparently this makes her feel guilty.
So talking has ended. After lots of rows and tears.
So now i just feel depressed, i hate to use this word so flippantly but the only way i feel like i can survive living with my father is if im high off my head with drugs, legal or otherwise. I dont really know how long he will be staying, it may only be a week, (unlikely) in which case as much as i hate it i could bite my lip and get on with it, or it could be months, i think the uncertaintity is whats really an issue, and i honestly cant talk to my mum about this, i really have tried but she refuses to listen.
The thing is, if i had my way id tell him on the phone that he chose his life, he made his decision he decided to be a drunk, and untill he chooses to do something positive about it, im not interested. Its harsh i know but ive had years of his bollocks, of mum and dad arguing, over him coming drunk and shouting, of him being sick, of him having no money, and now its like its going to return.
I want to move out anyway, ive been saving my money to pay off my debts so this is possible, and this just gives me more of an insentive to do it, but i cant really talk to mum about it, in fact ive realised how little i can actually talk to my mum about, its a shame because i thought we were quite open, but i think emotions arent something to be shared between us.
So my dad is coming, hes going to be staying, and i will have my confidence knocked to the floor in the process, just as i thought i was building myself up again it all comes crashing down, the whole thing is really quite complex, i dont think my mum even knows how much this affects me, its like shes blind to it all. I am under no illusions how this is probably no good for her either, but mum is the type who will always help other people but the problem is when helping one person means another will be unhappy, she loses all sense of importance.
But i say that like i expect her to tell dad to not come back, i know full well that i cant let my dad be homeless, it just infuriates me that hes put us in this situation, hes pissed up all his money and now hes got none and the party is over and he wants to come back, untill next time he fucks it all up.
You know its so hard when you have that unconditional love for a parent, but you know that you dislike them. Just knowing that breaks my heart, and now im going to be reminded every day.
I'll cope, i guess i dont really have any choice.