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michelle [userpic]

Missy comes home.

March 11th, 2009 (08:24 pm)
lonely

current mood: lonely

Today Missy came home, when the accident happened my Auntie took her away and we decided we wanted to cremate her,wasnt keen on burying her and then the chance of her being dug up, not to mention if we moved away,so we came to the decision to cremate her. Its not cheap but Missy never was cheap, with her constant fussy eating.

I have her ashes in a really nice box and it has her name in a gold plate on the box, its a nice box and the name is a really nice touch. Im glad to have her back, it might seem a bit weird and its only ashes but its something, which is better then nothing.

Eventually i plan to plant something with her ashes but untill i can find the perfect plant and i feel ready i think she will be hanging out in my room. Creepy? Maybe i dont care.

I need to find somewhere in my room i can put the box where i wont see it every day because i dont want to be crying continuously, but i dont want to leave her anywhere but in my room. Im sure ill find somewhere suitable for her.

I cant believe this is all happening, i think im handling talking about her a bit better i dont automatically crumble and fall to pieces but i dont want to get into any indepth conversation about her because it just makes me so sad.

*sigh*

Think i will stop now.

michelle [userpic]

Missykins.

March 10th, 2009 (10:49 am)
sad

current mood: sad
current song: David Gray - This years love

I have had a very hard few months of my life, it has taught me that in life, death is to be expected, even when its the last thing you expect.

But it also taught me that even when people/animals you have loved through their life, it doesnt end when they are gone, you love them more to make up for the fact they arent here. Your love is their memory deep inside and it never leaves.

I have been privilaged by the people i have in my life, or had in my life, they have all played a part of who i am every single one of them, and i was privilaged by having had Missy and Jo in my life for the time they were around.

I have had many write ups about Jo, and they all still stand, it still hurts to think about her not being around anymore, so i dont, I focus on the time we did have and the memories we shared.

I just need to learn to do the same with Missy, she may have been "just" a cat, but she was my first cat, the one i had spent years convincing my mum we needed, she was the one i saw in the cage and fell in love with immediately and took home straight away, she was the one that became part of Missy and Michelle on christmas cards, she was the one customers knew about, she was the one that terrorised my feet in the morning when i woke up, she was the one that would purr on the end of my bed when i was asleep.

She was my Missy.

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Hope you are up there terrorising Jo's feet.
RIP.

michelle [userpic]

(no subject)

March 2nd, 2009 (06:37 pm)

I want to write but its too hard.

michelle [userpic]

My father.

February 16th, 2009 (07:51 pm)
uncomfortable

current mood: uncomfortable

I dont even know where to start, ive had the best weekend ever, shared with Liam, hes great and makes me want to cuddle and kiss him continuously.

But now i just feel quite frankly utterly rubbish, my Dad is coming back from Thailand, possibly to stay, and my mum wont listen or talk to me about the situation at all, he will be staying with us here, background story on my dad, hes a drunk, i dont think i even need to write much more because whats the point?

Tried to talk to my mum about how unhappy i am having him stay in my home, my safe place, my one place that i can lay back and relax and not worry about anything, but she doesnt want to listen she would much rather talk about how this is the only option because he will have no where else to go, and if he doesnt stay here he will go to my grandad and my grandad is too old to deal with it, so he has to stay with us, i understand that, really i do, but i just wanted to talk about how i felt, how unhappy i was about the situation but apparently this makes her feel guilty.

So talking has ended. After lots of rows and tears.

So now i just feel depressed, i hate to use this word so flippantly but the only way i feel like i can survive living with my father is if im high off my head with drugs, legal or otherwise. I dont really know how long he will be staying, it may only be a week, (unlikely) in which case as much as i hate it i could bite my lip and get on with it, or it could be months, i think the uncertaintity is whats really an issue, and i honestly cant talk to my mum about this, i really have tried but she refuses to listen.

The thing is, if i had my way id tell him on the phone that he chose his life, he made his decision he decided to be a drunk, and untill he chooses to do something positive about it, im not interested. Its harsh i know but ive had years of his bollocks, of mum and dad arguing, over him coming drunk and shouting, of him being sick, of him having no money, and now its like its going to return.

I want to move out anyway, ive been saving my money to pay off my debts so this is possible, and this just gives me more of an insentive to do it, but i cant really talk to mum about it, in fact ive realised how little i can actually talk to my mum about, its a shame because i thought we were quite open, but i think emotions arent something to be shared between us.

So my dad is coming, hes going to be staying, and i will have my confidence knocked to the floor in the process, just as i thought i was building myself up again it all comes crashing down, the whole thing is really quite complex, i dont think my mum even knows how much this affects me, its like shes blind to it all. I am under no illusions how this is probably no good for her either, but mum is the type who will always help other people but the problem is when helping one person means another will be unhappy, she loses all sense of importance.

But i say that like i expect her to tell dad to not come back, i know full well that i cant let my dad be homeless, it just infuriates me that hes put us in this situation, hes pissed up all his money and now hes got none and the party is over and he wants to come back, untill next time he fucks it all up.

You know its so hard when you have that unconditional love for a parent, but you know that you dislike them. Just knowing that breaks my heart, and now im going to be reminded every day.

I'll cope, i guess i dont really have any choice.

michelle [userpic]

Terrible slogans.

January 8th, 2009 (09:05 pm)
annoyed

current mood: annoyed

This was one of those emails you get, but i tell you what i laughed and nodded all the way through, seriously a happy period? fuck off.


AN OPEN LETTER TO
MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER,
PROCTER & GAMBLE.

February 6, 2007

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for
over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why,
without the LeakGuard Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I'd
probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd
certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in
tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your
revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company
smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be
aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel
each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever
suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well,
my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I
can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through
my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust
and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call
"an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human
body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division,
you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly
happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo.
Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and
cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings,
crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize
it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week,
my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her
boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just
because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by
drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people
must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal
maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my
letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I
wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I
opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the
adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you freakin’ kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual smiling,
laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period?
Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit
pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some
kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything
"happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on
Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so
you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a
hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze
of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If
you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad,
wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually
pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular
Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that,
effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly
profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business
elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings,
I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending
bull$hit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

michelle [userpic]

To Jo

December 17th, 2008 (01:00 am)
thoughtful

current mood: thoughtful
current song: Ronan

Dear Jo

Its scary how quickly living has just carried on,people moving on, not looking back,I dont think this is entirely true but i check your facebook page all the time hoping there will be a new message to you, but there isnt, there is nothing in your memory community, it upsets me, which is weird, i want people to add photos for us to share, to tell stories to remember you, but they must be doing it privately. I have been emailing your mum, she seems to be holding it together, but i guess underneath she is still breaking. I will probably go visit her after xmas and go for a coffee or something, she is an amazing woman just like you.
Im sitll missing you deeply, everytime i see a picture of you it upsets me and reminds me that i wont see you again, probably shouldnt be thinking about that i guess. You are in the framed picture collection i did years ago, from when we were both at school, iremember the last time i saw you, you looked at it and went "oh my god" i like to look at it and smile but it hurts.
So this is probably going to be the last little "letter" i do to you before xmas, I will be lighting a candle for you on christmas day, your light will continue to burn inside, my wonderful special friend.

Lots of love my shining star. xxx

michelle [userpic]

A jumble of an entry.

November 26th, 2008 (09:00 pm)

I got a letter today inviting me for my first cervical smear, i've had better invites to be totally honest, i cant imagine how awkward and embarrassing its going to be having someone poke me down there, really not happy about it but i know its important so i will of course be doing it. Just another part of being a woman.
I cant believe its christmas next month, and of course my birthday, where has the time gone, i feel like its been stolen from me, this whole year has flown by
This year ive had interesting experiences which have taught me alot, many bad experiences and big important good experiences,i wont list them. :P

Things are starting to get easier with the "grief" situation, yet i spend alot of time thinking i should contact Jo's mum or brother and failing to do so, i think i will do this week though, Just to see how they both are. I'm fearing the fact Jo will now only be a memory and no longer someone i share my ups and downs with, I'm really unhappy with the fact this isnt something i can change, its completely selfish but i think grief is selfish, and i have indulged in myself for too long.
So, this is kind of morbid, but i think when something major like this happens, it gets you questioning, about life and death, and the problem with questioning this, is there is no answer, there is noone who can tell me exactly what it will be and what will happen that is total fact. There is faith, religion astounds me how someone can just fully accept things as truth yet there is no way of knowing what is truth untill the bitter end. Faith is a funny thing, i sometimes wished i had it, that i had full and utter belief in something, that it never needed questioning, that way it would comfort you into accepting life and death, as it stands i have no comfort, i just wonder, whether Jo is still out there, whether she is in another world, whether her spirit is around me, i dont know, it scares me to think maybe there is nothing after life, but noone knows and i guess i wont know untill my time is up.

I have also just read a book "The boy in the striped pyjamas" brilliant simply written book that has got such power its incredible, i recommend it for a read, its not hardcore literature, but thats what makes it so good.

I dont really know what to write in here today, i just wanted to write, next time i think i shall try and be more focused before i ramble on.
xxx

michelle [userpic]

"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."

November 1st, 2008 (02:43 pm)
contemplative

current mood: contemplative

Through the traumas in my life right now i have found the good.

Friends, I have the best friends, that are willing to pick me up whenever i fall, who will get out the glue and piece me back together when i need it, who will happily stay up for as long as i need just so im not alone. I think without them i would be broken forever.

Losing one of these amazing people breaks my heart, in words i cant even begin to describe, and it leaves me so confused, when i stop, and actually try and think it through that Jo is now gone, i immediately frown and try to work it all out and it just leaves me here without ever getting a solution, maybe in time ill be able to follow the thought process through to the end without frowning and being so utterly confused and bewildered.

But i am very grateful for the people who have been there over the past few days, who have been willing to drop everything to make sure i dont end up a heap on the floor, the people who hold me up. I will be forever grateful.

To My Mum and Sister for the endless hugs, even when i cry so hard that i soak their shoulders.
To Claire, when i called you that day you immediately said you would come over, i declined, but two days later you came over anyway and just listened to me ramble on and looked at photos with me.
To Frankie when I was falling apart that night and you made me see sense, showed me what possibilities i could have in the future.
To Tom for hugging me when i needed it, for no complications, for just making me smile and then for that tear you shed when you saw me cry.
To Kev for talking in my silence, for being there even when i wasnt mentally, and then for making me laugh so hard i cried, (I will never look at a towell in the same way)
To Martin for sending me the link of Achmed the suicide bomber...
To Liam for always being there, when life deals me shit.
Thank you.

also Ellie, for the flowers he gave me today, and overwhelming hug.

Thats my oscar speech, sometimes i think its good to tell people you love them and appreciate them, and i felt like this was one of those times.
There are of course lots of other people who have helped me along the way, but these are the ones who i have remembered the most.



"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."

michelle [userpic]

(no subject)

October 29th, 2008 (01:53 pm)

.
.
.
.
Life is but a stopping place,
A pause in what's to be,
A resting place along the road,
To sweet eternity.

We all have different journeys,
Different paths along the way,
We are all meant to learn some things,
But never meant to stay...

Our destination is a place,
Far greater than we know,
For some the journey's quicker,
For some the journey's slow.

But when the journey finally ends,
You'll claim a great reward,
And find an everlasting peace,
With angels & the Lord

michelle [userpic]

For you.

October 29th, 2008 (01:16 pm)
sad

current mood: sad

This update isnt one i want to make it, its not something i want to write but unfortunately there is nothing i couldve done to prevent this, nor anything she couldve done.

Life is so cruel, if there is a God, or higher being, why do they make the choices they do, or is it just "luck" or i guess "unlucky", do they pull names out of a bag, do they throw darts at a board, because sometimes the choices are so random, and unforgiving that this must be the only option.

Does fate exist? Is our paths already determined? do we have a chance to change things or is everything mapped out for us already?
How can they allow people who kill to wander around and continue to be evil, how can the good, whole, loving people be taken from us?

She was more then just a friend, she was my longest friend, she was the girl, woman, i grew up with, she saw me through the years i tried to be like her, wear tracksuit bottoms, skive off school, i loved her, i thought she was so cool, and she was. Then i found my own style, myself, who i was, and she still loved me, i still loved her, we were odd friends when i found my style, she was the trendy girl, i was the alternative girl, but we stayed together. Many memories fly through my mind, and i hope i never forget any of them, i know ill do what i can to preserve them.

She was the girl who gave me a sweet in primary school, she was the girl who i had my first outting to exeter with on a train to go shopping, she was the girl who i told all about my first kiss, she was the girl who held my hand when my heart got broken, she was the girl at secondary school who led me astray, she was the girl who i reminised with about school, she was the woman who took photos of me on karaoke and cheered me on despite me being awful, she was the woman who i held when she cried, she was the woman i put in a taxi because she got too drunk, she was the woman i saw most recently and told me her deepest secrets that shes told noone, and now noone else will know.

I love her. Its not past tense because i will never stop loving her.

How can the good, whole, loving people be taken from us? Especially her.

jojo

I am and will be missing you. You are my twinkly superstar in the sky now.